I don't normally do this, but I need advice. I need it
bad.
It's a time old dilemma: do you choose the guy who is crazy about you or the guy you're crazy about?
Let me back track. I have a guy I was recently involved with who is still head-over-heels in love with me. At the same time, my ex is back in the picture...(though in all honesty, I don't know if he ever
left the picture).
GUY 1: He's crazy about me. As in would drive me home (ie eleven hours in a car!) just to spend more time with me crazy. You can tell he really means it when he tells me that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world to him. He's really sensitive, so he completely understands me whenever I am upset (I'm super, super oversensitive). He would do anything for me, drive twenty minutes away at three in the morning to buy me food if he thinks I'm hungry, surprise me with a gift when he knows I'm tired, etc. He refuses to let me walk around alone when it's dark and calls me just to make sure I get back to my dormitory safely. He's a hopeless romantic--likes giving his girl flowers, doesn't mind watching chick flicks to please her, always wants to take her out to nicer restaurants...money is not important, making me happy is. But before all the ladies reading this post swoon, let me get to the point. (And no, the catch is not that he is bad looking. He's definitely built.) The trouble is, he doesn't make me laugh. He's so sweet, but I can predict his jokes before he even finishes them. He talks like a tool around his friends (uses totally douchey vocab and makes immature jokes). And he isn't too popular on our campus after burning bridges with some people his freshmen year (he's a junior now though, but sadly people hold grudges). People tend to think of him as a little too self-pitying, moody, oversensitive, etc. While he doesn't pressure me sexually, he does have a high sex drive and is always getting turned on around me, making me feel flattered and at the same time a bit disappointed. After witnessing his behavior post break-up, my friends and I feel he's really clingy. He follows me around on campus, moping when I tell him that he needs to at least try to detach himself from me a little. He doesn't have too many close friends and would rather spend all his time with me...Still, I can't act like I haven't been tempted to get back together with him...but more on that in a second.
GUY 2: I dated him for two years, starting my freshmen year (I'm a senior now). He broke up with me during fall break (but still loved me, just didn't think I could see a future with him since he wanted kids and I wasn't sure, etc...oooh it's hard to explain! But just trust me, it hurt him too and he still loves me. It wasn't your typical break up where one person stops loving the other), but we then had chemistry during spring break and almost got back together (until I decided I needed to stay single and think about things). I was convinced I would never love anyone else as much. I'm still think I'm in love. We have the most amazing chemistry ever--he can always cheer me up. Our humor is on the exact same wavelength. We connect well intellectually. He always keeps me guessing. Unlike guy 1 who does a lot of TV watching and sports, guy 2 is really passionate about life, whether it's learning how to surf or playing the piano. He is always making his friends laugh (bonus: we are both in the same social circle, likely because we dated for so long) and is the most loyal friend anyone could ask for. I feel far more excited when talking to him. We're cute together, we have sooooooo many inside jokes and affectionate petnames for each other. When he looks at me, you can see pure affection in his eyes. And he has never pressured me to do anything physical with him. Still....while I don't doubt that he cares a lot about me, he shows his affection quite differently from guy 1. I don't want to discount guy 2. When we dated, he liked celebrating each month we had together. He likes to hide little notes for me or bring me breakfast in bed. Still...I know it's not fair to compare, but he definitely won't drop everything he's doing just to come be with me. He lets me walk back to my dormitory alone, even when it's really late at night. He seems to constantly find flaws in me, whereas guy 1 is almost opposite to an extreme--frustratingly finding me perfect. Guy 2 and I used to argue a lot, guy 1 and I almost never argued because he just wanted to make me happy.
My mom clearly thinks guy 1 is the better choice, since she thinks he treats me better and is clearly mad about me. However, I am the type of girl who kinda likes a bit more space and time alone/with friends. I have to admit I enjoy talking with guy 2 and being around him so much more. My mom argues that chemistry fades, and thus thinks a guy who treats me well should be valued more than one I like being around. I think while that may be true, I also cannot fathom being with someone who doesn't excite me.
Am I foolish to be throwing away guy 1? Guy 1 always makes sure that I feel beautiful...and as much as I like to be the proud, independent woman who insists on paying for my meals and acts tough, who doesn't like to be pampered every once in a while? At the same time, guy 1 seems a little too into me, to the point where it scares me because I can't really reciprocate all the time (giving gifts, wanting to be together) without feeling exhausted. Guy 2 makes me happier, but while he treats me really well, he definitely lacks some of the romantic devotion of guy 1. I'm not being spoiled, I'm just trying to figure out my needs in a relationship when I say that I wish guy 2 would prioritize me a little more sometimes or be willing to treat me more often.
I feel like I'm willing to bend over backwards for him, and while I know he does a LOT for me, it definitely doesn't seem equal...
I know this sounds super ditzy, which is why I usually avoid venting my guy problems, but this is something I really need help with.
Have you had this experience before? How do you choose between the guy who cares just a little too much about you and the guy that you care about? Between comfort and passion?
{please don't just tell me they're both great and to flip a coin. i really do want advice!}
Comments (22)
Oh boy. Lol I suggest you be with the guy you're emotionally compatible with. If you say you like being independent or having some space, the relationship with Guy 1 isn't going to work unless you communicate with him seriously about being less clingy. It's not going to work if you aren't even slightly attracted to him and you care about what other people think.
As for Guy 2, I'm surprised you still want to be with him after he broke up with you. All I can say is, you really need to think about your feelings, because that's what matters most at this point. Think about who can make your heart flutter AND treat you right. If neither of them can, then they don't deserve you.
Let me know how it goes :) I've been in a love triangle before and tried things out with both guys. Neither relationship lasted in the end, lol. It wasn't until a year later that I met a guy who had the traits of guy1 AND guy2. He's my boyfriend now and we've been together for 17months.
Ah, this is complicated because they're both good in very different ways. If they were one person, they'd probably make the perfect guy.
For one, you need to look at what's important to you when it comes to how you're treated and all of that. If you want a guy who puts you as more of a priority, that means guy number 1 is the better choice. But if having your space is more important, that means that guy number 2 is. Is your space more important than being top priority, or vice versa?
I'd suggest doing a pro and con list, that'll help you put things in perspective. Make a separate one for each guy, and go through the good and the bad. The amount of pros and cons (and if one outnumbers the other) will help you sort it out in your mind, possibly.
Guy 1 really seems to care about you, so maybe if you were to tell him to cool down a little bit, he could. But if he's extremely sensitive that could hurt his feelings.
When you and guy 2 broke up, what was it for? Because that could be something that helps you make your decision here. The past may be the past, but you don't want to repeat it by going back. If there was a problem the first round, the second round might get the same problem unless you can bypass that.
You could probably get both of them to change, but I'd say that guy one would be willing to change more-so because he's so head over heels for you. Of course, your mom is right -- Chemistry does fade while an emotional tie will keep you together forever.
Take into consideration, also, what you want from a relationship. Are you wanting a serious relationship, to where you end up getting married and such? If so, think of which guy fits into that ideal more. Think of what you're looking for in a man, without thinking of these two guys; just paint a random man in your mind that would fit your dream guy -- You never know, maybe neither of these guys fit that profile.
Pillow pixies had a lot of good advice, so I second her comment. Also I think a pros and cons list is a good idea.
You really need to sit down and ask yourself what you want in a relationship/man. What kind of relationship are you looking for? What will you settle on/for and what will you not? Do you want a clingy guy who depends on you so much that you don't feel you can reciprocate but that spoils you rotten and sees no faults? Or do you want a guy who gives you space, needs space, is still sweet, is not boring, and sees you for who you are and accepts the faults?
I'm not gonna say don't go back to an old relationship in this case because I don't know everything. It all depends on the reason for the break up and what each person's true feelings really are. Are you leaning toward guy2 because he is familiar and it might be easier? Also you said he finds flaws, is demeaning when he points them out? If so why would you want to be with someone that makes you feel low? Also, you fight, is it often, bad, petty, fixable? Why do you fight so much. With guy1 is he not one to stand up for himself and what he believes? If a fight starts does he just give in because he has you on a pedestal? That's not always good, could cause problems later. And there is no problem with asking guy2 to walk you to your dorm. It might not have crossed his mind, that kind of stuff doesn't come naturally to some guys. Guy1's sex drive, you can't really help that, if it makes you feel like crap or that all he wants you for is sex, tell him, he might just be coming off wrong.
Ok is might sound like I'm rooting for guy2 but either one sounds like a good guy. Someone good in a relationship. And with a little nudging each guy can change a little. But as you see there are a lot of questions to be answered before you can make a decision. If talking to each one individually helps then do it.
Haha believe it of not, my boyfriend sounds like guy2 with some of guy1 mixed in....but he has plenty of bad traits.
If you need more advice and want to talk message me and we can see about chatting sometime. Sometimes having an outside opinion really helps. Good luck to you it's a hard situation.
Hey there! I got your message and I read your post. It is quite a dilemma you have. What I want to propose is the question of "What do you really want?"
Guy 1 certainly has the essentials to lead a healthy relationship. Although, yeah, a good sense of humor tends to be an important aspect. The thing is, you wouldn't really be sure if that might stay as you continue to date him.
Guy 2, you are already aware of his dating style, his habits, etc. However, I'm not much for a on-and-off relationship. But it was just for a small trivial reason (future thinking). If he certainly fits your requirements better than guy 1, then probably guy2 is better for you.
But remember, go with what you want, not what would fit them. In the end, for this situation, there will always be one "loser" if you really want to put it that way. But there's no reason to not have guy 1 as a friend afterwards. Think it over some more and then make the decision based on what you want and is best for you.
Hope that helps. Good luck!
Heya, got your message.
Guy 2, hands down. An important thing to have in a relationship is to communicate, MORE than attention. ANY guy can do that, to be quite honest. I dated a guy that could keep up with the attention, until I realized he really wasn't the one for me, and it made me so sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
There's my two cents, hope it helped. :)
Follow your heart. Sure it will make you happy. :)
Well, I do have to say that you don't have to pick either of them, but since that is your angle in this, I will try and figure this out. What were the REAL reason the relationships ended in the first place?
i definitely know how you feel...except i don't have two guys. i have one who fits more with guy 1, but has some characteristics of guy 2...but he's mostly guy 1....i've been with him for almost 4 years now. but i can tell you that we've had many ups and downs and many thoughts of "maybe we just aren't right for each other." at first, it's nice knowing that someone thinks you're the only thing that matters in life...but that nice feeling starts to fade.
your mom is right, chemistry does fade, but over-affections becomes annoying and the amazing-ness of his over-affection will fade. chemistry can always be re-kindled, but i find it's hard to push aside the fact that you find something annoying. once that annoying bell dings, it's always annoying, no matter how hard you try to see it as being sweet.
i think laughing is an essential part of life. i mean really, what is life without having those moments of laughter and someone to share them with? after reading your post, if you can't tell already, i'm leaning towards guy 2. he has a passion for life and i bet you do too. why would you want to push aside your own passion for life just to be adored by guy 1 every waking moment of your life. it gets old. you should want to be with someone who interests you too. don't get me wrong, guy 1 seems like an amazing guy, but just from reading your post i feel like even you are leaning more towards guy 2.
i'm not sure if any of this helped, but i tried ^_^ i'd love to know the outcome.
Comfort vs passion, hmmm. In a relationship, I want both (sorry, typical answer lol). Someone who can make me feel secure and cared for, and have passion for. (It's possible to have both. I know because I do). Best of wishes~
man - i would LOVE to have two girls wanting me :) ....so i can't say that i can relate to your situation totally, and i'm not going to pretend like i know you and tell you what's best for you. ultimately, that decision is yours, and you should do what is best for you.
guy 1 seems fake to me. yeah, he's kept it up for a while, and may for a while longer. the problem is you might get used to it and expect it. then, one day, his feelings/actions will back off, and you may be left feeling disappointed. i mean...well, it's not bad that a couple's outward feelings and actions towards each other kind of back off after the "puppy love" phase - i think it would actually be weird if they didn't eventually. it's just natural for one person (or both) to become aloof after a while. him bowing to your every want and need all the time is a little weird. i don’t think that’ll last forever, and even if it did, would you like that? anyways, this guy just seems kinda phony.
guy 2...well it sounds like (from just what you wrote here) that you two may have gotten to that "aloof" phase, and that's kind of showing in his actions towards you – not that that’s bad at all. he's obviously comfortable around you, and it sounds like he is really trying to make sure that he makes the best decision for himself and his future. he seems to really want you in that future. it's not something that can be forced, be it sounds like he still loves you. do you return the feeling?
i'd just say be careful about confusing love with puppy love. maybe you aren't looking for a permanent relationship now. you said you were a senior? graduating is a big step in life, and can really change things (that much i do know). on the one hand, you have someone new and exciting and different that is showing a lot of outward affection. on the other hand, you have someone you know, is comfortable around you, you know you two can be together (despite the arguments. a healthy relationship can't possibly be argument-free), and who still loves you and wants you two to be together.
ask yourself what you are looking for. ask what is best for you, and i'd almost say go with you gut. i think you might really know what's best for you right here right now in your life.
sorry i couldn't have given you a more definite answer :(
take care,
--erik
Here's my own two cents...
From what you said about guy number 1, I would say rule that boy out! Although he treats you affectionately, I imagine the romance will fade away after a while. The fact that he is clingy is a big red flag as well. I have dealt with a clingy guy before (not in a dating relationship, but he was persuing me romantically) and I could not stand it. He would never leave me alone. I'm a pretty introverted person, so that was really difficult for me. It sounds to me like it would bother you as well. How would you like to possibly spend the rest of your life with someone like that? I sure wouldn't. The thing that told me absolutely no about guy number 1, is the fact that he doesn't make you laugh. For me, humor is a very necessary part of a relationship. The giggling, the laughing, is one of my favorite parts about romance. But that's just me.
Guy number 2 sounds amazing. One of the first things I noticed is that you had very little to say about him as far as the negative goes, while guy number 1's list was rather extensive. You didn't have a nasty breakup, so that shouldn't be an issue. The fact that he engages your intellectually is great. You don't want a guy who won't keep your mind active, he'll bore you after a while. I think it's important that you share the same social circle. Dating is always more fun when your friends actually like your date. Plus, that provides more opportunity to do fun group dates, etc. And of course, the fact that he makes you laugh is great!
Guy number 1 sounds like someone who may be fun to date for a short while, but definitely not the kind of guy you want to get into a serious relationship with. Guy number 2 sounds like the kind of guy who you could spend the rest of your life with. I'm not sure how seriously you're looking in to these relationships, but my thoughts are... dating is done in consideration of marriage. Look at the two guys and ask yourself: who would rather spend the rest of my life with?
Remember, once all the romance and passion fizzles out, what you'll be left with is friendship. Guy number 2 sounds like best friend material.
I hope this helps in some way.
Answering that question alone, I say you should go for the guy you are crazy about. Guy 1 sounds a little too clingy in my opinion, but Guy 2 seems to focus too much on your flaws for anything to really work there without you getting sick of him pointing out your flaws every time he gets the urge. Guy 1 needs to know when to give you your space and needs to be able to handle that with grace. Guy 2 needs to find something else to do besides point out your flaws. Yes, nobody is perfect; that's why they're called flaws.
Guy 2 needs to realize that you're not perfect and never will be and him pointing out your flaws on a daily basis (so it seems to me from my stand point) isn't going to make them magically disappear, but rather destroy the relationship. I would get rather sick and tired of my boyfriend doing nothing but pointing out my flaws to me on a daily basis rather quickly and eventually the s**** would hit the fan big time and that'd be the end of him, because I emotionally cannot handle round-a-bout flaw announcements on a constant basis. I'll agree constructive criticism is necessary in all aspects for anyone to grow, but too much and it can become destructive and then it is no longer constructive criticism. It becomes destructive criticism. One should point out another's flaws in an effort for the person to correct it and with the idea of it helping the person to become a better person.
Guy 2 also needs to realize that there are things about you that aren't going to go away no matter how much he complains, and if it something he seriously cannot handle then you two ought not be together like that. If it bothers him that much, he ought not to go out with you a second time.
Guy 1 is clingy. Period. Not only that, his jokes are corny. They're about as bad as the smell of rotten eggs. I suppose his God awful jokes aren't the end of the world or a sign of an impending apocalypse, but they must be terrible if you're able to predict the endings of them. And in that light, if you were to choose not to go out with him, I wouldn't blame you and it probably wouldn't be a sad loss on your part. You say he isn't popular in school. Popularity isn't everything, but he burned quite a few bridges down in freshman year and he's reaping the results of that. That is a prime example of why they say first impressions are everything. A first impression is what you and I derive from someone we never knew before. How they act defines the rest of the relationship.
I don't know that it's necessarily just the fact that people hold grudges, but more of the fact that he acted immaturely and wasn't the nicest person on earth and really gave a bad first impression on these people. I'm sure he's not evil or the devil incarnate. He sounds a bit like a couch potato. While he may work out, he doesn't get out and do stuff often enough (so it seems to me from my standpoint. forgive me if I'm wrong). TV is great and all, but it is not a replacement for life itself. But there is nothing wrong with the television in theory as long as he doesn't make it a high priority to the point where that's all he focuses on.
I think that ultimately you have to weigh their qualities and decide who is the better of the two, which is probably easier said than done. I'm not going to tell you who to date; that isn't for me to decide nor is it my place to do so. Just be happy in the decision you make.
All I can say is go with your gut. All of these things you listed off are great and all, but deep down, you have an instinct somewhere that will tell you which guy to go for. Your gut isn't always right, the relationship may not work out in the end, but maybe neither guy is right for you. Like I said, trust your instincts, because no one knows the situation better than you.
Good luck!!
Guy no. 1 to me if you get back together with him he may become possessive and if you break up with him again it may drive him crazy. It sounds to me as if he is just putting on a facade, at school I hear lots of guys talking about girls like sex objects and being disrespectful but yet when they are around the girl they are perfect gentlemen. What convinced me about this is when you said he had a high sex drive after a while he may want it more and more and guilt you into doing it by bringing up the things he does for you. Well this is just my opinion he could really be genuine but you have to take into account the saying that nothing comes for free in this life.
Guy no .2 sounds like an average guy. He is most likely oblivious to the fact that there are things he is not doing for you that you want him to do, just talk to him about it. He most likely allows you to walk back to your dorm alone because he sees you as strong , independant and not the damsel in distress type. One thing he has to change is pointing out your flaws , everyone has their flaws its what makes us human, he has to accept you for who you are and if he can't you should not be with him.
In the end its up to you to choose but guy no. 2 might be the better choice. I hope this helped.
oh. so i'm guessing this is ur situation.
let me read this and i'll get back to you.
Drop 'em both and get a hobby. Scrap booking is quite popular.
Well, for one, I must agree with your mother on the aspect that chemistry does fade. It's good the Guy 2 has his independence, and I would hope that in some type of emergency he would drop everything to come to your side. Guy 1 sounds like the guy that every girl spends forever trying to find, and once she does, she discovers maybe this isn't really what she wanted. Being pampered is nice, but not all the time. It gets monotonous.
Every relationship needs space, and Guy 1 really sounds like a sweet guy, but he just doesn't connect to you on layers that are important in a relationship. i.e. - being 'on the same wavelength' and being excited about life - and not just sports. And he doesn't have that space apart from you. But, on the flipside, he really does seem to care about you a lot and I think if you could sit down and talk with him about some space from you (friends, hobbies, etc.) and at times calming down the romantics, and you could introduce that passion about life to him. Do exciting things on dates - go ice skating, go for hikes, learn something new, etc. It sounds like things really could work with him. And the more you're with someone, the more you 'get on the same wavelength,' this has definitely happened with my current boyfriend.
I know that I don't know much about either one of these guys, but I'm already a sucker for Guy 1.
The fact that Guy 2 is always finding flaws, and the like, is something I dealt with in another relationship - he was a lot like what you described Guy 2 to be, I loved him very much, and while he could make me feel great, he could make me feel a million times worse with just a few words. In other words - he could never make me feel as great as he could make me feel bad. I tried getting this to stop, and it never did, and after trying to make it work, it ended badly. I'd hate to have you go through that, and to lose Guy 1 in all of it would be a shame.
So, my final vote is Guy 1. It seems to have the most long-term to me.
I'm not going to write a long comment. I just wanted to say I was in the same place years ago. I picked guy #2, I loved him still. We were together for two years and I was blessed with a child. We are no longer together though I do not regret my time with him. Guy #1 is still around, he's my best friend.
from the way you wrote the description of the two guys, it seems clear to me that Guy 2 is the right one for you.
it seems that you don't have the right chemistry with Guy 1 and you don't like him as much as you like Guy 2, you only like Guy 1 because he treats you really well. if you stayed with Guy 1, it'd be nice to be pampered at first, but after awhile, the relationship would be boring and even the pampering would start to get annoying. this is especially true since you like some independence.
you have the right chemistry with Guy 2, he makes you laugh (this is very important). although it's great to have someone that treats you well, it's more important to have someone who makes you laugh. and it's not like Guy 2 doesn't treat you well, it's just perhaps not as attentive as the treatment you're receiving from Guy 1. Guy 2 is still a good boyfriend.
my only concern is the fact that Guy 2 broke up with you before. are the issues that caused the previous breakup solved?
i think if you stayed with Guy 1, you would feel repressed, you would feel that you don't have your freedom, that you don't have room to breath. sure, the attention is nice, but too much attention is overwhelming.
so go with Guy 2 (as long as the previous problems are resolved and you're sure that he loves you), because it's what your heart clearly wants.
Hey, I got your message. (:
This is just my advice, but from the way I see it... it seems as if you and Guy #1 will have an unsuccessful relationship. You mentioned that his attention on you is so intense that it's scary... and it's not a good thing to feel scared when you're with someone who you should feel safe around. Yes, it's nice to feel pampered, but there are other sides to it as well. My mother once told me that when I marry someone, make sure I marry someone that loves me more than I love him. I still feel puzzled about WHY I would want to do that. I would feel insanely guilty if someone that I didn't feel as strongly about pampered me day and night.
Guy #2 seems like the best choice because it's boring to be with someone who always agrees with you. I love disagreeing with my boyfriend because we learn more about each other by our own views. I would choose Guy #2.
But, as I have mentioned before, this is YOUR choice. The best advice out of this whole comment that I can give is for you to FOLLOW YOUR HEART. I know that sounds really lame, but trust me, if you follow your heart and do what you want to do, then you will have no regrets. I hope I helped you with your dilemma. I so dislike boy drama. ):.
Honestly, you need to decide whats more important to you in a relationship - the kind of person you are, and how compatible you are with the other person. Personally I look for long-term compatibility as well, as in where we're both going in life and how that could possibly affect the relationship... and the last guy I dated our different paths in life did end up pulling us in different directions. As for the fighting... I think its all part of caring about someone and see it as a healthy part of any relationship - to an extent of course.
Really you have to chose for yourself. No one an choose for you. Though I do suggest maybe having some time to yourself, in the single sense, to sort out who you are and what you want while you're not getting all the mushy feelings from both sides to get in the way of what you REALLY want and what is BEST for YOU!
Sorry for the late reply but i'm here now. :)
Wow, whatta tough decision... i've actually been there before too. but don't you feel loved? you have two options to choose from!
Anyways, this is what i think.. it's YOUR life. do what you think would be the best for you. you know you want guy 2 so go for it! stop thinking so much and make up your mind. if you take too long, they'll both be gone. life is all about decisions and you'll never regret the choice you make as long as you know that was what you wanted the most.
hope i helped. <3